Fear is real, a birthday story.
Today is a special day, so on this day I will share something special about myself.
Its my birthday by the way so by that alone its a special event. Im not that conceited though. No need to brag its just that its special because of something that happened to me over 20 years ago, in fact it was 22 years ago.
Twenty Two years ago I was fresh out of high school ready to take on the world. I attended The College of the Bahamas and was paying my way through by working a part time job. I was young full of life and ready to get things done.
Tragedy struck less than a year out of school. I was 19. Young mind strong but not fully understanding how things work in the world. It was at that cross road in my life that I lost my big brother Antonio. Tony is what we called him. Senseless violence snatched my big brother from me. The brother i looked up to who taught me so many things growing up. Even now typing this im trying to hold back the tears. Yeah we were that close.
Not particularly a good time to take ones best friend away from them. I fell in to a deep depression. So much so that I lost half my body weight. Something crept inside of me that took my vigor away.
I was afraid.
In 2006 a movie was released called Apocalypto. In this movie there was a scene that stuck with me. It thoroughly explained what happened to me at that time. The character looks at his son after a strange encounter and asked what did you see on those people? in the sounds of their language – Saa…Danka Saa which when translated in the movie meant Fear…Deep Rotting Fear.
I was 19 and my brother was 21. I remember feeling fear that I too would die at 21. This was real for me. In my own world allowing fear to creep into my heart I convinced myself that I will not live beyond the age of 21. I was afraid not to die but afraid of how it would happen.
Even though I continued with my life and God blessed me as timed passed I got fearful each birthday that I was going to die. When my 21st birthday came around I remember laying in bed wondering when in this year will it happen. It seems silly now but it was a real thing to me at that time. I went on that entire year waiting to die. There are people out there today still carrying this burden and I understand it.
I waited and waited but I was still active, and every day working with new people and learning new things I started to push that fearful feeling to the back of my mind. This kind of gave me hope however that I may live beyond the age of 21. I literally began to live each day as if it was my last. I was blessed with a good job at that time and i went in and worked as if I wasnt coming back the next day. This work ethic caused me to be promoted extremely quickly as my boss Ms Yvonne Johnson took me under her wing and taught me more than I thought I would ever need.
When my 22nd birthday came I remember feeling nervous because I felt as if God was playing a trick on me. Here enjoy another year before I snatch your life away. Then came 23 and I, for the first time felt as if I may live a little bit longer and I actually began putting together a plan for my life. I wasn’t free of my fear but I changed how I felt towards that fear.
I know for sure I will die someday but now I’m not so fearful of it. Now I simply enjoy every one who comes into my life. So if you were every wondering why I’m so easy going. Its because of fear. It changed my outlook on life. Its because there was a time I thought I would not exist anymore so the more people I allow in my life gives me more hope that not only will I survive but should the fear of death ever rear its ugly head again. I know I’ve lived good and did my best to change the world by helping others.
Losing friends and love ones is rough, but its those happy memories that always seem to linger in our minds. I can always remember the happy times I had with my brother, with my cousin Ali, with my Grand mothers and my Grand Father. With my cousins and friends that have passed on over the years. I no longer carry that fear of death
with me instead I look forward to each day to help out and chat with friends and family. To help them succeed and enjoy those moments with them. So if I’m hard on you its because I know we don’t have much time and we don’t know when our number will be called. We cant sit and say ill do it tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.
Today I live to see another birthday. Its my 40th and I woke up with a tear in my eye because I still do miss my brother but I’ve gained 4 blood brothers and many friends that are like brothers to me.
Today is my 40th birthday and I’m so happy to have lived beyond the age of 21. I wont stop learning I wont stop exploring because fear took a few years from me I will live every day making up for those lost years ,living and enjoying every moment. If you don’t believe me take a look at all my images and see how much I enjoy life.